Monday, June 14, 2010

I'm angry

Today, I'm ranting about how I feel regarding my life with my kids.  Every now and again I get so steamed.  I'm steaming.  I am so mad.  I'm all p'd about my right to time with my child being denied me.  

See, my son lives with his dad because I thought at the time that they both needed each other.  I won't get into all of the crappy details but when I separated from the ex it was so emotionally draining.  Let me say that I am and have been working on letting things go but it's a struggle.  I try to let things go but they stay and go round and round in my head until I can get to a solution.

Suffice it to say that it was tough on us all when the separation happened.  Its boomerang effect still has not worn off even after several years.  

Sorry, back on track.  The kids took it hard and they usually do.  It's not their fault that the adults in their life are so messed up and take them along on the trip too.  

After a couple of years with me, I could see how much my son needed time with his dad and so I did what I thought was best for him and arranged for him to live with said person.

It's been just a little over a year now and the ex has just dropped to an all time low.  I don't even recognize him.  God only know what I am talking about.  The prick has cut off the phone where he lives so that I can't talk to my kid when I want to.  The thing is it's not as if he lived nearby where I could do something about it.  Boy, would I have marched my butt over there and let him have it.   

My kid lives in a different country altogether.  Here's the clincher, he (the ex)works for the local phone company.  Yeah, he blocked my number so that my son can't call me either.  Who does that?  Unless of course the kid was in danger and that parent wanted to protect the child.  Which I don't fall into.  

We use our kids instead of treasuring them.  I am as guilty as the next person.  I'm not perfect but keeping a child from a parent to satisfy our own nasty and selfish agenda is abhorrent.  

The whole ordeal hurts my heart so.  It's got me in knots trying to figure out what to do.  What I feel good about is that my son's had time with me and he's not a baby.  He's a teenager and he knows that I love him always.  Nothing can ever come between that or change it.  Even though I can't hear his voice now, there will come a time that he'll be with me again.

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